Day 2 of Masterprep VIP (and an existential crisis of sorts)

Warning: This is not a course review but a rambling.

Day two was a very draining experience not because of he volume of work or content but just the monotony of the exercises given. I mean this in the sense that we were just prepping plastic teeth the whole day. This highlights the importance to me of taking breaks and refreshing your mind and eyes. I didn't really do this and about three quarters of the way through I was developing quite a headache and eye strain. 

After courses like these I find that I don't really know what I've gotten out of the course until a day or two afterwards and I will discover new things as I mull the information and experience over in my head. I came home after the end of the course pretty tired, had dinner and went to bed. I won't write too much about the second day itself because I don't actually recall too much about what we went through. It was essentially discussing the dimensions of the preparations we were expected to do and then doing it. We prepared for a veneer on the 11, an all ceramic crown on the 21, a zirconia crown on the 13, an onlay on the 16, a PFM bridge from 24-26 and a full gold crown on the 37. There were definite dental school flashbacks working on the plastic teeth and the work didn't feel like much at the time but I do think it probably would have taken us half a semester to do those preparations in university simulation and do do them in a day was quite a feat. 

I woke up today with an idea brewing in my head about my performance at this course. I haven't quite organised my thoughts but I will try to write down the general vibe. The theme of this blog is improvement, and I do find that reflection is useful for me to process what I have experienced and try to break it down into parts and understand what it all means. But to achieve excellence requires more than reflection. It requires practice, repetition and in general, hard work. I am now faced with a dilemma. Am I someone who is able to put this kind of effort in to become something greater than I am now? Do I have the mental fortitude and discipline to achieve something that means anything? And if so does it mean enough to me to try?

I think I got more talking to the participants and presenters of the course than the course itself. It has been a while since I socialised with new colleagues and I am not really someone to share much about myself. But even sharing superficial details about myself and my background led me to reflect on my situation and think about where I am heading. I am sure the kind of questions I am asking are ones that pop up in everyone's head from time to time, it's just not something that people usually voice to the world. Questions like: Am I doing the right thing? Where am I going with this? And what do I do next? It is really easy for me to ignore these questions and just do the next logical thing in front of me and that is pretty much how I have lived my life these past years. Moving from one place to another, one job to another based on what felt right at the time. I find myself at an impasse right now. I have been developing this crossroads for myself by stacking on more obligations onto the pile that I already have. To do this can only lead to one decision, to hold oneself back to moderation or to be ones own barrier. Please just try not to focus on more things than you can handle lest you become a jack of too many trades and master of none. I think the point here is that everyone is different, some are incredibly motivated, driven, forces of nature and when they set a goal for themselves they will work to exhaustion to achieve it. This isn't me, and knowing this I have to reassess my priorities and pick something achievable to focus on. Self honesty is important here. 

Speaking to the presenters of this course I did meet two very driven, very principled people who had a purpose they were in the process of fulfilling. They started out with an idea, and their actions were then laid out in pursuit of this idea. I wonder if the kind of personality that underlies this motivation is inherent or developed. But the kind of intimate experiences that would lead to the development of this personality is not something that people usually readily share. In any case, I find myself as the opposite: someone who is acting in search of a purpose. 

The important thing here is not a comparison between myself and others. I'm not looking up or down on anyone or even suggesting that my path in life is right or wrong. The idea that is in my head right now is the need to reassess myself and to be content with the answers that I come up with. I can't be something that I am now, no matter how much I would wish. Grand plans and talking big is all well and good but if you can't deliver then it is better to have never talked at all. What I need to do here is to figure out my purpose. Why does purpose have to be associated with greatness? It may be to become someone that everyone looks up to, to be among the best in your field and a key opinion leader. But more likely it is on the level of being a good person, good at what you do and work on enriching the lives of those around you. Let me leave the grand plans to those who will have a proper go at them.

What does this all mean for me? I will keep doing the same thing I am doing. I never have been fast at change. But I need to start reflecting on what I actually want to achieve out of life, because I don't want to look back and wonder where all the time went while I was ignoring the questions that had to be answered. I have an inkling of a thought of a suggestion that my trajectory will change to prioritise family and will become more focused taking fingers out of so many work pies. I still have the mental space to balance what is important to me in terms of family and work progression if I stop trying to balance more than I can handle. I know that if I try to take on too much and over complicate my life then the house of cards I have constructed will fall and all aspects will suffer as a result. I need to work on less things at a time and to reserve my limited focus on the most important things to me. What does this mean? I don't know. But I will get there.